Today’s blog is something very personal and very real to me.
5 years ago I started to feel low, miserable, sad, overwhelmed, angry, scared, upset, paranoid and numb… I started showing signs of depression although I did not know why! My life was “perfect” and I loved my babies and my husband – who gave me everything. So why the sadness? “Snap out of it” they said. “Cheer up” ” You have nothing to be depressed about” they said. “I can’t help it” I said. “I don’t know what to do!” I said.
As time went on it got worse. The happy pills did not work very well – as soon as the placebo affect wore off – the darkness returned. I tried so many types of “happy pills” and endless therapy that made me feel worse. I felt patronised and lonely! No one got me! I didn’t get me! What was wrong with me?
On and off this continued for a year until one day I decided I was so unlucky and useless to my loved ones that I had to take my own life. But I was clever you see (being such an intellect) I didn’t want to scare my children or upset them anymore than I needed to and so I planned to die by making myself ill with painkillers! No violence, nothing horrific – just death by sleep. The rest is a little blurry…. I woke up the next day with my family around me – including my poor old mum and my boys – all with a look of sadness in their eyes. I felt nothing… Just nothing. That is what it did to me. It took me to a dark place where I felt like I was suffocating but I could do nothing.
The days and weeks that followed were still very blurry – in and out of the gps, the mental health team and a psychiatrist took me into their care. And it was then I realised just how much I needed it. I spent the next year trying to get better and trying to love myself again so I could live for my children – the three little boys that I passionately loved. It was a hard journey that I found myself on and I felt afraid. Too afraid to tell people what was really happening inside my head, too afraid to do much, too afraid to be alone but I had to be brave. I didn’t want to be with that cloud over my head – ready to suffocate me again. I knew my little ones needed me and I had to do what I could to get better – to survive!
Fast forward to present day – I am overall really well. I know I want to live and I recognise the signs and do what I can to fight it off. My red button signals (as I call them) are extreme tiredness, paranoia, jealousy, anxiety, feeling sick, feeling hopeless, feeling trapped, feeling scared and really really sad. It’s then that I brace myself for a storm is about to come… I use my tools to ride it out as I’m determined NEVER to go back – trapped, alone in the ocean inside the black storm. I want to stay here – where I am happy and safe with my boys and my husband and my family & friends. I love my Life and am grateful for everything I have – especially the fact that I can still watch my children grow up.
But… this week was a tough one! It started niggling last week and the climax hit me on my birthday – June the 27 – exactly 4 years after my first suicide attempt. When you feel depressed it is a very lonely and cloudy place – a cold and miserable place. All negative thoughts become your only companion. This weeks episode did worry me – as it was a strong storm! I thought it would never end and then just like that it passed… And today I saw a rainbow. I’m happy again (feel like I have a hangover & a little weak) but proud and relieved that I survived.
My mindset is getting stronger and I’m doing everything to prevent darkness in my life but D can happen to anyone. It is a sudden and vicious desease that should not be taken lightly. If left alone it does overpower even the most positive and happiest of humans.
Today this blog is dedicated to all those battling with depression – we can survive it! We can and we will!
And a message to everyone else – in a world where you can be anything, be kind! You can never know what someone’s going through. I am a strong, positive person but even I have a fragile side – this is when I need my loved ones to hold me tight and help me through the darkness.